How do you deal with a, uh, male thickness problem.

How to do it is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear how to do,

I’m having a lot of fun with my new partner, but there’s one problem I can’t quite figure out… my head.

This guy has a very thick cock. I have a very small mouth. I would like to give it orally, but my teeth continue to bother me. I tried to put my lips to my teeth, but I cannot maintain this position. I lick and kiss his cock, but we both wish I took him in my mouth. Is there something that would protect his tender manhood from my teeth? Or do you have another suggestion to help with this beautiful curse?

—Girth Grinch

Dear GG,

I wear a night watchman because I grit my teeth. I had at least one blowjob with it and found it as easy as without braces. Presumably, it will also feel better than your teeth. You probably don’t need a product tailor-made for your mouth unless you are also grinding your teeth in which case I highly suggest it for sleeping, but there are plenty of options at the drugstore. You’ll want to find one for small mouths.

Let me know how it goes, and if readers want to share their own girth beating tips via email, we’ll include your success stories in a future episode of the. How to make a podcast. (Subscribe at this link now – you never know what you’ll learn.)

Dear how to do,

Some time ago, I was dating this girl. She had some pretty extreme BDSM fantasies, and in general I was happy to play with her that way. But she began to engage in a fantasy where she played at being “raped” with the point of a knife. I only tried it once. It was horrible. Always be careful with BDSM, but when a naked Yawara is involved making sure I don’t cut her in half has occupied the overwhelming majority of my attention, making the whole experience an unpleasant task. to live. For me anyway. She loved it. We argued about it and ended up stopping seeing each other sexually, although we still keep in touch as friends.

Well, I recently found out that she was in the hospital with a knife wound to her throat. Two guesses as to how she got it. She said she doesn’t appear to have any permanent tracheal damage which is good, but I really think she slipped over the edge wanting some kind of sex that could actually and immediately kill her. I’m just an acquaintance these days, and I wonder what I could possibly do to warn her about the extreme risks in her lifestyle.

-Knives out

Dear knives,

Having just landed at the hospital with a sexual injury, I suspect that she is well aware of the risk of acting out her desires. And giving her a lecture risks driving her away. I would check his general mental state. How does she live life? How are his social relations? How is she dealing with this massive pandemic we are all still navigating through? Is there a way to support her personal care skills? Basically how can you meet her where she is and help her feel good enough in life that she becomes more important than this deeply dangerous sexual practice? There is probably only so much you can do here, but starting there can help.

Dear how to do,

My husband and I worked on some marriage issues. One of those problems is pornography. At the start of our relationship, the use of pornography for either of us was not a point of contention. But not all porn is the same, and over time I found that I felt threatened by certain forms of porn, namely social media and paying artist subscription fees. We had several thoughtful discussions and a few not-so-well-thought-out arguments. In the end, we decided to compromise by limiting porn consumption to a paid membership on one of the major websites only, as it has no social capability.

However, I got into the bad habit of emotionally disconnecting myself during sex and approaching it as a performance rather than a romantic interaction. My husband and I decided that when I got to the point where I couldn’t stay emotionally present anymore, I had to tell him and we should stop. Since then, the sex has been inconsistent. We had sex, but the last time, for example, after saying I had to back off (after kissing and fondling) he stood up to watch porn in the other room. This was on the site that we agreed he could use, but spending time intimately together and then bringing him back to porn triggered some of my insecurities, and I asked him to stop.

I recognize that just asking her for foreplay without completion is indeed what I’ve been doing recently, and it’s not sustainable. We have been married for 12 years. My pleasure and my orgasm are important to him, and his pleasure is important to me. He has bought me several toys and he is attentive to my requests for just about any physical stimulation. I have no complaints about his technique or his performance. However, we are missing a connection. Do you have any tips or suggestions for restoring emotional intimacy in our sex life?

-The romance is missing

Dear Missing the Romance,

I think I understand your reasoning, but you wrote to a sex worker, and I feel compelled to mention that paying a fee directly to the artist supports the autonomy and self-determination of the performer, whereas paying for a subscription to a major website supports corporate control of sexuality. material and usually leads to homogenization and more aggressive sex or extreme power imbalances in scenes and on set. You can consider CrashPadSeries, MakeLoveNotPorn, or Lustery if you want to split the difference.

Do you have any idea why you emotionally disconnect during sex? If you can figure out what’s going on there, you can see where you need to be working on things. Missing a connection in other areas of your life together? If so, think back to how you connected initially: what did you do together, talk to and see each other? If not, all the better, you have a stable place to build from. Are you anxious about sex? Then you might want to dig deeper and ask yourself what is worrying you. Is porn and your feelings about it the root of your problem? In that case, dismantle those insecurities – remember what you are bringing to the table and believe your husband wants you.

Your situation appears to be one where short-term therapy might help. If there’s room in your budget, look for an experienced sexuality therapist, and if you can’t find one with that specialty listed in their bio, ask when you have your first phone call. You might also be successful with apps like Better Help or similar.

Dear how to do,

I’m a young gay man who just started dating now that I’ve moved. I’m excited, but due to my inexperience with other guys as well as some past trauma I’m also filled with dread, and I find there are times when I need to “pump the brakes” during intimacy because I realize that I’m not comfortable being touched anymore. Unfortunately, however, I experience a lot of anxiety about saying ‘no’ to guys, as this would in the past lead to feelings of guilt or physical abuse from exes. I now understand that a respectful person would just stop when asked, but it’s like my whole brain stops and I’m having a hard time saying what I mean – or honestly whatever. what. It’s put me in dangerous situations before, and I know I really shouldn’t be dating guys until I have mastered this skill, but I don’t even know where to start. For example, what’s the safest way to walk away from a physical encounter that is starting to go wrong? Is there a non-verbal way to let a guy know I’m uncomfortable and need him to stop touching me? Or is there maybe a “script” that I can follow or a phrase that I can memorize?

-Red light

Dear red light,

I think your best bet is to warn your partners before entering into a sexual interaction. Something like “Sometimes I freeze during sex and need to stop suddenly. If I stop giving you active consent, like (insert what active consent looks like to you), I need you to opt out and give me physical space. How a potential partner reacts to this will tell you a lot.

You can also offer a tactile signal. In the mainstream porn industry, we used to pat the guy’s upper thigh as a way to signal ‘slow down’ without stopping the action. Something that involves physical touching is useful because it’s more noticeable than a wave or finger movement, and you want to connect to a part of the body that you don’t normally touch during sexual activity, so it’s clearly a communication. Safe words are another great solution. If you can come out “red” or “stop”, you can request a stop of coitus.

As for reversing safely, avoid your place for connections. Make sure a friend knows where you are. Keep your clothes in a pile between you and the door. Know where the exits are. You never know how a connection is going to be, and it’s easier to leave quickly if you know where your stuff is and exactly where you need to go once you have it. Also watch what you take in.

If an advisor is possible for you, it will probably help you in the beginning. Good luck.

More How to do it

My husband and I have a pretty good sex life and communicate well, or at least I thought so. Last March he got a little more in love and our sex increased, which I attributed to working from home. I was happy to participate and it has been a great advantage in our lives. Then I found out what was really going on when I stumbled upon something on his computer and am appalled at what I found.

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